8 years today

Its hard to forget the day that your life takes a new direction.  Today 8 years ago I went into surgery, I remember having to repack my little bag because I would wake up in a different ward, I hadn't asked anything important like "what will happen afterwards".  I was just looking forward to the surgeon finding the reason why my body was putting me through so much pain from a 3 monthly basis for 3 years to a daily one.  The whole of 2004 I had spent in pain, granted I was still going to work but seemed to spend at least one day a month at James Cook having fluid withdrawn or X Rays taken or having to come home from work because the pain was too bad.  Painkillers I think I had were tramadol but I refused to take them because they made me feel lousy.  How did I do it back then?

The trolley arrived for me at 8 am I was first down, expecting only to be quick surgery I ended up having 4 hours on the table.  I didn't wake up till much later with a pipe in my bag and drains in my side.  All I remember from that first waking was throwing hot chocolate over myself and knocking the drain out of my back which resulted in blood spurting out and covering the bed.  The threat of returning to surgery hanging over my head.  Gary was sat by my side and kept calling my name.  My BP had plummeted, not getting above 70/50 for the first few hours and they didn't want me falling asleep.  

It took 3 weeks before they broke the news to me, by then I had spent time back in hospital because I was filling with fluid.

Yet here I am still here and thankful, as today off we went over the fields again, Bear and Lexi both kept leaving us to wander between the long grass.  As Lexi has gone suddenly deaf we need to be eagle eyed in case she spys something that she might want to chase and ended up tripping and falling in a hole.  We were leaving the woods when I spied a Deer, she was stood perfectly still watching us and the dogs. 

We stood for a good five minutes, Gary and I watching her and her watching us, the dogs sitting in front of us looking forward, when the wind changed direction we thought we had better move, Bear's head lifted and he started sniffing turning to her direction. The Wrens were extremely noisy today as well, I even managed to grab a picture of one, which isn't brilliant because Wren's don't stay in one position long enough for the camera to click.  I don't know about where you are but the flies up here are terrible.  I can't remember so many attacking us in the fields as they are at the moment.

Who's watching who?

I created a page on Facebook called Jan's Meso, it is similar to my journey of treatment, hopefully if someone falls on it they will realise that we can survive longer than the year we all seem to be told we only have.  Maybe some of these oncologists should start reading blogs like Amanda's, Debbie's, Mavis' and Linda's.  Speaking of facebook I have lost hours on it, it is like an addiction.

I noticed yesterday and today after walking I have a new pain, it eases after a few hours but it is in my back, just at the bottom of my lung.  To press the area is tender.  I am still holding to waiting till the end of this month for a CT but if I want to go the the Carers Day in October I don't want to be starting any treatment until after that.  One good thing today though I didn't need to use the inhaler I think it had something to do with the warmth.

What a thunderstorm last night we had, then today we had a blue sky till 2 then the clouds rolled in, thunder in the background but so far only one shower. 

The only good thing I can remember about the summer of 2004 was that it was extremely hot, when I was allowed to walk after surgery I went outside and the sunshine was glorious.  It stayed with us till September, shame my summer had been spoilt by illness and bad news, but if anyone asks I remember that as our last hottest summer!

Keep strong everyone, I know it takes a lot of effort but just to feel the sun on your cheek or a breeze ruffle your hair it makes life that little bit more special.

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