I am le tired

If you were around the interwebs in 2004 when I was in college this screen shot might mean something to you, if not, don't worry about it. :-)

Today I received a call that I had pictured in my head many times before. I imagined myself crumpling to the floor in a puddle of tears. Instead, I was loading groceries into the car while talking to the UT Southwestern radiologist about my case as if I was just another third-party patient of his - not like we were actually discussing...me.

My cross axillary lymph node (opposite side, under my armpit) that was biopsied last week came back positive for high grade (quickly replicating/aggressive) invasive ductal carcinoma (breast cancer). Part of me wasn't that surprised. When a 2 cm lymph node pops up quickly and you have a 95% chance of your cancer coming back, you sorta see it coming. Part of me was surprised because last week the radiologist had good arguments on why it looked possibly benign and even offered for me not to get it biopsied and just watch it instead.

We head back to MDAnderson next Tuesday to do scans and then figure out what to do next. Best case scenario is that it is isolated to the lymph nodes, we remove them via surgery, and then radiate the heck out of my left armpit. Essentially rinse and repeat on what we just did on the right side.

Worse case scenario is that it has spread to my other organs as well and we choose between one of the low-probability-of-working chemos still available to me, or I go on trial chemos and people experiment on me. Let's pray that's not the case...at least not yet.

Brad and I have been responding fairly light-heartedly about this latest news. Honestly, I think it is partly because we are pretty dog-gone tired. After almost a year of treatments, we are tired of this persistent battle, and tired of getting bad news on a fairly consistent basis. The treatments, the tests, the bad results, the fear, the processing, the emotions, and at the same time, the continuation of day-to-day life- it has given us quite the beat down. And we are emotionally exhausted.

I know that God is still in control, He still loves me, and has a plan....but honestly today my prayer was, "God- why are you trying to kill me??" haha

Deep breath everyone- here we go again.

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